I started writing this not knowing I was in labor

bad choice

 

This has been my life since the middle of June. I can barely remember the last time I was able to wear any shoes other than flip flops, my socks don’t even fit my feet anymore, and I can feel the water retention in my legs. My feet feel like when you are sunburnt and go to stretch and the skin is tight and pulls like it is about to split. Since about I was about 8 weeks along, pregnancy has been rough to me. I even told my husband at one point that there would be no more after this because this is awful. I haven’t gone more than 2 weeks without throwing up, I’ve gained over 50 pounds, everything hurts, I feel testosterone rage nearly every waking minute, and I feel worthless because I cannot do everything that I am used to doing. And that bit is probably the worst part for me. I’m not able to do the things that I once did. I have to literally tell myself to stop doing things for the fear of the hurt from doing too much. This sucks.                                                         July 28, 2016

 

So I wanted to write something about wanting to restart my healthy living life back since my little fellow was getting close to 6 months old and this was the last saved draft I made. Little did I know at the moment I was writing this in a circle of self-pity, I was in the midst of back labor as well as having my liver in the beginning stages of shutting down. I developed HELLP syndrome. In all the readings and research I did while pregnant, I never even came across this and this shit is scary. HELLP stands for Hemolysis [rupturing of red blood cells], Elevated Liver Enzymes, and Low Platelet Count and is coupled with high blood pressure. The early symptoms of this are malaise (a feeling of general discomfort), heartburn, and vomiting and guess what I had all of these. You know what else has these symptoms being in the third trimester of pregnancy.

I went to the hospital because I couldn’t get in touch with my doctor and thought I had a kidney infection. I was checked into the hospital, told to change into the hospital gown, and waited. I was told around 1:30 that I was going to have a baby. It was insane. I kept thinking that it was too soon, way too soon. But not for him. He was 5 lbs 9 oz and 18.75 inches long and came out screaming. He didn’t have  to go to the NICU and was actually given the clear to go home before I was. He had a bad reaction to the pitocin and we had to have an emergency c-section more so for my health than anything else. I was in so much pain that it was ridiculous. My recovery was kind of crazy because I was on bedrest until the following Sunday and wasn’t able to eat until late Sunday. Saturday night I was able to have clear liquids and I swear I think it was the best popsicle that I’ve ever had.

It’s taken me a while to mentally recover from everything that happened. I feel like there are times I’m still dealing with the emotional ramifications of the entire pregnancy. I absolutely LOVE my son and he lights up my world in a way I didn’t know was possible. The issues I had could have been and would have been a lot more severe if I hadn’t taken the necessary steps to get healthy in 2013.

To be completley honest, I miss living that healthy lifestyle. I miss the running, kickboxing, signing up and doing 5ks, and coming up with healthy meal options for my house. Waking up and doing my workout videos when it was gross outside or I wanted to do something different was so much fun. It did take some time to learn how to balance all of that along with running a household of 2 people and pups. Adding in a new being has proven more difficulut than I thought. I had some friends that made it look so easy!

So now I’m looking to get my eating right again without affecting my breastmilk supply which has been a bit of an issue since he was born so early. Once I get my eating habits cleaned back up, I want to begin running again. Simple steps, baby steps if you will.