Sometimes Life Just Hurts…

July 31st changed my life forever.  I had the two pink lines I waited over a year for and couldn’t be happier.  And then I got scared.  Life would change drastically but I was ready for those changes.

On August 5th, we went to the doctor and didn’t see anything on the ultrasound but they did another test and ran some blood work. We ran some errands and while out our Ford Edge stuttered and cut off as we pulled into Sonic for some cherry limeades.

That Friday I went back in because the blood work did show there was a pregnancy, my numbers were just low so they wanted to make sure everything was expanding like it should. I was told also that I needed to take it easy and not do any of my HIIT workouts and be careful running because of the heat. The same day, Tristan’s truck had done the stuttering thing again and finally threw a code for us to figure out what was going on.  The cam phasers were going bad according to the code.  We were going to be looking at about $2,000 in repairs.

Over the weekend we noticed our 10 year old golden lab and beagle mix was not wanting to go outside at all and was no longer eating like she had been.  We also came to terms with the fact her paw was not healing from tumor although she was on antibiotics. Monday morning I called the vet and told her what was going on and although she said the could do surgery where the second tumor was, it would result in amputation.  Her suggestion was to put our precious,sick girl down.  Full of tears, I called the doctor’s office to get the results of Friday’s blood work.  I figured if I was going to get bad news I wanted it all together. I received good news from that phone call and thought maybe life would have a gleam of happiness to it.

On August 14th, we went to my OB/GYN and saw a little sac on the ultrasound and were beyond thrilled. We were going to have some happiness on a day where we were going to be our sweet, Kouki girl down. It was one of the hardest days of our lives but we got through it together.

On August 16th, I started spotting here and there. Nothing to worry about said the internet but I just felt something was wrong. Monday night the bleeding got worse and I called the night line of my doctor’s office and he told me to come in first thing in the morning.

August 18th, I was told that I was having what looked like a threatened miscarriage but that the sac was still attached but they weren’t sure if it was growing or not. August 20th, I woke up in so much pain that I called the doctor immediately and they got me in. I went directly to the ultrasound tech when I got there and she found that there was no more blood going to the fetus. It was absolutely devastating to hear with everything that we had been through already that month.

August 21st, I went in for a D&C. While waiting for the operation at home, I could feel my uterus getting ready to do what it knows to do and I was so glad to go into an operating room to have it taken care of. I was absolutely miserable in pain at my house.

Sometime within that week, we got the truck back after costing nearly $3,000 to fix. It had a few hiccups that made us think that it was going to have to go back to the shop for more fixing but has run fine ever since.

The month of September and part of October were mostly blurs and blips on the radar. I felt like I was just going through the motions in order to keep going. It wasn’t until my sister’s wedding in November that I seemed to snap out of things. It was like I needed to see love outside my own sphere and just bask in pure happiness that weddings tend to emote.

I started writing this blog post at the end of September  because it seemed there wasn’t any miscarriage stories out there like this. I never fully soaked a pad like they said I would. There was only bleeding when I wiped (which is probably TMI) but I knew something was wrong. A general consensus always says to trust your gut, especially on important things and as much as I wanted to stay positive because everything else was so negative, I couldn’t. Effectively in August, my husband and I lost two babies and we had a conversation about how everyone just expects us to be okay with everything and we weren’t. This is not saying that everyone told us that we should be fine because it was now over with, it just seemed like it was expected that we bounce right back. It just felt like the world kept moving when it should have paused to give us breath. But it kept going, so we had to as well.

I was back at work the following Tuesday because I just couldn’t sit at home anymore even though I was still in some pain. Everyone was shocked that I went back so soon. I was even told that I could take up to 6 weeks if I needed to but I just knew I needed to come back for my own mental health.

It is okay that we didn’t feel okay. We shouldn’t have been back to our normal selves. We were hurting, both of us, and it seems like men sometimes have the short end of the stick with these things because society doesn’t always let them mourn for something of this nature, or anything in general really.

This holiday season we really just focused on each other where we both try to focus on our families more than each other. We focused on enjoying each other’s company and I feel stronger in our relationship than I ever have, which is a good thing as we are approaching being together for 9 years. How crazy is that?

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