Speaking Honestly

Is hard.

Positivity can be one of the hardest things to constantly hold onto when moving through a fitness and wellness journey.

When I was younger, losing weight was solely based upon looking better.  I wanted to be skinny and fit in certain clothes.  In middle school, my best friend dropped 75 pounds because she would only eat 3 oreos a day.  She also became a raging hangry monster. Even though she was mean after losing the weight, every guy in our class now desired her and wanted to be her boyfriend.  This really messed with my head at a pivotal stage. This is when I truly became obsessed with every bite I put in my mouth and exercising.  I remember every day I would try to get 100 crunches and 25 pushups in before bed.  I had a stack of workout videos that I would play on repeat learning every single move.  We didn’t have a scale in the house so I used measurements to track my progress and would go crazy and not eat anything except supper for a few days to get those inches off.  My parents knew my weight bother me so encouraged any eating modifications I wanted to make like going vegetarian or not eating beef or pork.  Because I was so obsessive about these things nothing ever really stuck.

Late my freshmen year of high school, I met a new group of friends that were not obsessed with boys or their weight and I became happy.  I started singing in the choir which required some dancing, participated in other things with my friends, and the weight fixed itself a bit.  I was by no means skinny but the guys that made fun of me through middle school and early high school were suddenly wanting to date me come junior year.  One guy would call me Flipper, you know the freaking dolphin, in freshman year and when we asked me to junior prom I flat out told him no because of the way he treated me when we were younger.  He said he called me flipper because flipper was cute.  I called him a liar and went with a very good guy friend and had a blast.

When I started working in food, I was terrified I would gain weight but it had the direct opposite effect.  Where I was around it all the time, I would forget to eat.  When I started dating a co-worker and we went out to eat, I scarfed down our lunch like I hadn’t eaten in weeks.  I then realized I hadn’t eaten since the previous Sunday when I had dinner at my grandmother’s.  It had been over a week.  This is when I realized I had an eating disorder.

Since then my weight has been a complete yo-yo.  I’ve had good years and bad years.  Before my latest journey into fitness, my goals were very shallow.  I wanted to look better, I wanted to be able to look good in certain clothes, etc. In truth, something that is hard to admit through the typing of the keyboard, I didn’t feel that I was worthy of love or friendship when I was at certain weights.  I wish there was a body positive movement then as there is now because the harm I’ve done to my body by not loving it fully has caused some major damages to it.

I constantly have to be aware of not delving into fitness and health to where it becomes obsessive and unhealthy.  Since getting my PCOS diagnose, I have been in a bad place mentally which translated into me not being positive in my life and to myself.  My body was betraying me and not doing some of the basic functions.

This week I hit my 30 day mark of logging into My Fitness Pal which made me start thinking about what I’ve been putting into my body when I have been in this unhealthy mental state and the things have not been good.  We are what we eat and I’ve been eating some very unhealthy things mixed in with some very, very healthy things.  On the days where I eat a good mix of fresh fruits, vegetables, some tasty proteins I feel better. Hell, even a piece of chocolate makes me feel divine.  However, on those days where I gorge on a ridiculous amount of french fries, then have some pasta or pastries, I feel awful.  Even if I have fries and then follow it with some good ole Brussels sprouts I don’t feel bad.  But constantly putting in those unhealthy foods makes me feel bad.

Food, exercise, looking in the mirror should not be a shameful experience.  It should make us happy and smile.  This is what being healthy and going on a fitness journey should look like

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Not necessarily the body but the laugh and the look of endorphins racing over you.  This is what I want to make sure that I am focused on going forward.  Being happy about the workouts and being happy with where my journey is taking me.